A Fork in the Road

It has been a very mentally draining day today. Initially, after today's appointment, I posted the facts, but I didn't have a chance to address any of the feelings or frustrations...

The truth is we have hit a fork in the road. When I went to the neurologist, I went there looking for answers. I went there knowing that I was ready and willing to do whatever the neurologist thought necessary. I did not, however, go there considering my husband's feelings. I just assumed that we were both on the same page. That could not be further from the truth.

The greatest things about my husband has always been that we are extreme opposites, and we kind of keep each other grounded. He is protective, and I am liberal. He is sees the criminal/police side of the world, and I believe most people are good at heart. He loves to indulge, and I am thrifty. These opposites have always gave us a good, happy middle group. In this fork, however, there is no room for a middle ground.

Today, the neurologist ordered an MRI. With that, Brandt must be sedated. I am for the imaging, and my husband is firmly against it. Unfortunately, there is no compromise--he either has to procedure or he doesn't.

I've tried to listen to his frustrations. I totally understands that he is concerned with any complications that can come with sedation. I understand that sedation for an infant is not so routine, and I know the precautions that must be taken can be scary. Still, I feel like with Brandt having it at a Children's Hospital they are well-equipped to handle any situation. I feel like he is more afraid of what the tests will show than the actual test.

And, then, there are my reasons for wanting the MRI so badly. I should warn, this is not meant to be read by the weak-at-heart...
Before having Brandt, we lost a baby in the second trimester of pregnancy. We were devastated, and our perfect little world came crashing down. The baby suffered from multiple birth defects. Among the list, that baby had a severe type of spina bifida. The thought that Brandt could have that same condition is so real and scary to me. Furthermore, once I got pregnant with Brandt, we went to a perinatalogist to have a nucal transluency done to test for birth defects, including spina bifida. Unfortunately, when we went, the fetus was a week younger than originally thought, so they were unable to perform the test. Because they did not notice any of the other birth defects from the past pregnancy on the ultrasound, we decided not to return to have the NT performed. In my mind, hindsight, we should have returned. We could have known then if anything was wrong.

As a mother who carried Brandt through pregnancy, I feel like I am to blame for all of this. I feel like maybe I got pregnant with Brandt too soon after the other loss. I feel like I couldn't have a healthy baby in the first pregnancy, and I didn't have one with Brandt either. I feel like there must be something wrong with my body--like I have bad eggs or something. I feel like there was nothing I could do for that first baby, but I will definitely do anything and everything that I can now to give Brandt every opportunity that he can--including the MRI.

My husband feels like I am pushing Brandt too hard, like I am pushing beyond his potential. Yet, I feel like I should push, like I shouldn't just give up because I know that my child may have a condition. You keep pushing and raising the bar--you defy the odds and create your own expectations.

It is hard. I don't want to go against my husband and his fears with he danger of the MRI, but I also don't want to deny Brandt the best medical care because of our fears and frustrations. We have hit a critical fork in the road, and I hope that we can find a way to chose the right road together.