A Double Dose Day

Today was a double dose of dread for Brandt. He had an appointment with the Pulminologist this morning, and he had therapy in the afternoon.

Because I have taken off for so many other appointment, my husband had to take Brandt to the Pulminologist alone. I think, with everything else that is going on with the neurologist/ ENT/ Audiologist, it was a bit too much for him to handle. He was freaking out. The doctor ordered his own series of blood work to be done (to check is immune system and allergies), and Brandt was extra fussy. My husband was definitely on overload, and saved the lab work for me to do with him this weekend--joy.

Then, Brandt got a nap and went school for his physical therapy session. The ITDS brought over a physical therapist to consult on Brandt's gross motor development. After evaluating him, they determined that the physical therapist would take over his care. The most alarming thing from today is that they had noticed something that I had noticed (but not yet come to grips with)--that Brandt seems to primarily use his left side of his body to do a "wounded-warrior crawl," while he sort of just drags the right side along. What that could mean scares the heck out of me, and I am still not ready to accept that. Oh, how I wish I would have told that to the neurologist, in the event that there is a different MRI image that might need to be ordered for that.

Luckily, the physical therapist has written her own short term goals--starting with him crawling with belly off the ground and then working on getting him to transition. She showed me a technique to help strengthen his core, and told me she will be able to have better insight on his disposition after she works with him for a month. She seemed so excited with his goal of being able to walk in 6 months (making him 17mo), but goals mean nothing to me anymore considering the goals that were set at his initial evaluation certainly were not going to be met. I am not doubting her ability, but I feel so helpless in this situation. Plus, with her taking over his care, Brandt's speech therapy is sort of put aside until he is walking... great. Maybe I can find some YouTube videos on how to teach babies to talk, I guess. :/

Right now, Brandt's school is accommodating him by letting him stay in the infant classroom since he would not be safe in the toddler room. However, I am terrified that there will come a point where they may say that he is too big for the infant room and not suitable for the toddler room, and then they would discharge him from their facility. What would I do then? I desperately need him to make an advancement to restore my faith and energy.

This morning, my husband asked me if I was depressed. He said he was concerned with me always feeling sick, sore, and sleepless. I quickly replied, "No!" Still, I was thinking--so what if I am? I have every right to be. I am scared to death for my son, and I have no idea what his future holds. Still, the truth is that I am not depressed--I am empty and emotionless. I am too busy going through the motions to feel anything at all. I push forward everyday, hoping and praying that I am doing everything I can for my son.