I'm still replaying it, processing it, trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand how it so quickly erupted into such a giant disaster. Just thinking about it is overwhelming.
It has been a long time coming, but it was not the easiest of decisions to make--today we put in our notice of withdrawal at Brandt's school.
Darrin and I had decided that we would be very civil about it and leave the door open for the future. We spent hours thoughtfully developing a formal letter and discussing what information we would divulge to the facility as to the reason for withdrawal. We decided to keep it simple and vague.
The decision to move Brandt was not a decision we took lightly, and it was also not the easiest of decisions to arrive upon.
First off, if I move him, will the new place accept Brandt's physical and communicational delays? Will they allow his therapists into their facilities? Or, will they say it is all fine and dandy until two weeks later when they see the full extent of the delays? Will they work with him academically and physically? Will moving him cause him more undue stress with separation and adjustment? Will there be weeks of him crying, as there was the last time we moved him?Will I end up with no one to watch my kid?
It pains me to say this, but taking proper care of Brandt is not the easiest of things. He has good days and bad. He has days when he will walk from room to room, and then there are days where he will fall every other step. He has days where he is all smiles and laughs, and then there are days where he cries for no apparent reason. There are days when he will nap three solid hours, and then there are the days when we are lucky if he will nap at all. Then, there are days where he will have a dirty diaper (code brown--LOL) 6-8 times a day--where I feel like I am constantly changing him. It is easy to get exhausted and drained. And, so, I know it is a lot for anyone to take on.
But, after months of weighing the pros and cons, I finally hit a wave of urgency that pushed me over the edge. Brandt had been coming home with diaper rash after rash. I would spend all weekend trying to heal him only to have another rash by Monday evening. When I asked why, the teacher said "his poop doesn't stink" so she never knows when he needs to be changed. That is not only absurd, but that is a lazy excuse. It completely outrages me. Then, the icing on the cake--one of the teacher shows up an hour late to open up--so I stood outside waiting and hoping someone was coming. And, instead of apologizing, the director says, "things happen." I mean, who taught this lady business ethics. I am just so over them, and I am thrilled that he will be leaving. The germs, the lack of professionalism, the lack of support with therapy... the list could go on and on.
So, I toured a few child care facilities, and it made me feel hopeless. As wonderful as they were, I knew that Brandt did not fit their molds. I knew that the places I liked would not accept him. So, I finally went to a friend's in-home daycare. I loved it! Less kids= less germs. Clean, wholesome, lots of crafts/ learning, organized.... the lady definitely runs it like it is her life! And, the best part, it is going to save me the time of preparing meals because she includes that in her rate--and the food is healthy food that I (the crazy health nut) approve of! I am so excited for the move!
Of course, my fears are still there, but I have made my decision. So, today I took the necessary steps to move forward--and it could not have gone any worse.
I handed the directory my formal written notice, and she directed me into a private room to complete some discharge paperwork. She asked me for my reasons, and I hesitated a bit before going into the most candid conversation I have probably ever had with anyone in regards to Brandt. I was open, honest, and in tears. Yes, I was outraged by the slip in standards, but I was also saddened that it had come to this.
Things weren't always bad. Little Steps has seen Brandt through some very challenging points in his life, and they never once judged him or gave him a second look. They have always treated him like a normal baby, except with a little extra attention and care. They welcomed Brandt's therapists into their facility, and he has made a lot of progress since starting there. They appealed to his love of music and arts and always found a way to accommodate Brandt. They made Brandt feel special, and they treated him special.
And, yet, we had hit the point of no return. The director told me I should have come to her sooner, and she is right. But, after going to her a few times before without much success, I just didn't see a point anymore. And, maybe we could have worked it out--but I also didn't want to be in a situation that was awkward or uncomfortable with Brandt's teachers. I didn't want them taking resentment out on Brandt, and I was also afraid that if I continued to complain, they would discharge him.
But, now, it was all out in the open, everything I ever held back or dismissed was addressed. The director was very apologetic and asked me to reconsider my decision, assuring me that these issues would not be taken lightly. She assured me that proper action would be taken to ensure these matters would not repeat. I informed her that I had already secured a sitter for Brandt, and that it was probably in his best interests to be in a smaller setting for a while in light of his continued respiratory infections. I told her that, perhaps, down the road when he develops a better immune system, perhaps we could reconsider enrollment with them. And, I meant that. And, she was hopeful of that.
But, just as we were wrapping up our conversation, Darrin came storming in the door--Brandt in his arms. He was screaming that he was reporting them to DCF and that he was going to sue. I don't even think he knew what he was spitting out of his unfiltered mouth. He proceeded to rip Brandt's diaper off and to show the director his diaper rash, now turned infection. He was shouting and frazzled, so he handed Brandt over to me and was gone. And, then, I was there apologizing and embarrassed--trying to put Brandt's diaper back on.
I was humiliated. I could not believe he had done that to me. We agreed that I would handle the situation, as he always passed off to me. We agreed that we would leave on good terms, and he repeatedly insisted on that. And, yet, he bursts in and exposes Brandt's rash? I was mortified. I understand that he was trying to make a point and upset; I just don't think that is the way to handle it.
I spent the whole evening begging Darrin to calm down, begging him not to file any formal complaints. I desperately argued with him--insisting that they would be handling the situation. I tried to explain to him not to fault the whole facility for the carelessness of one bad teacher. We have had a lot of good experiences, and we hold some fault in not addressing these concerns with the director as they occurred. And, I still believe that we probably could have worked through a lot of the issues, if I didn't have so many fears with talking to the director about them.
The whole evening was stressful, and now I'm questioning so many things. Another day where I just feel defeated and broken.
But, hopefully, tomorrow will be the start of something wonderful; hopefully tomorrow will not leave me questioning today more and more--we have hit the point of no return.
Here goes everything...
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