Turning Back the Pages of Time

It seems so crazy and such a far off memory when I think back to the battle we already brave for Brandt. The battle was one I fought without relent, knowing that I was my son's biggest advocate. From the beginnings with Early Steps and countless therapy sessions, to facing laundry list of tests, we were never certain which direction it would lead us. Hearing terrifying results from the geneticist, and then deciding what was next.While I was ready to move forward full-steam to do anything necessary for Brandt, Darrin wanted to stay idol and wait it out, fearing the risks and the unknown. From countless failed attempts at MRIs to finally facing the results of those  MRIs. All the while braving scary secrets of an impending surgery that left me feeling absolutely powerless. And, through it all, I knew that I had to find strength in the struggles without ruining my marriage, despite the conflicting viewpoints, in order to rebuild a marriage that seemed to be fading away.

As I turn back the pages, reading ink left smudged and blurred from pages left untouched, I now realize that I will be tracing those blurred words; I will be writing the same chapter again.

Yesterday, I failed Brant in the battle that I have firmly stood at the frontlines for over the past five years. In a time of an important appointment which would shape our journey forward, I chose my job over my son. All day, I knew that I would be failing him, and, yet, I felt like there is nothing that I could do about it. While Darrin took him, and I know that the world will not end that I wasn't there, in my heart of hearts, I knew I should have been.

And, so I press forward, and I do the best that I can do for my son. I don't get swept away with feelings or predictions of what could be; I just do what needs to be done and keeping pressing forward.