The Next Chapter

It's hard to write this, to read this, to communicate the feelings that I want to share but no longer am able to. As I type, I erase. I rewind and start over again. Second-guessing.

I have read the journey, but the ink has faded as the years have pressed on. What once was a memory is now a new story to tell. Tomorrow, we turn the page, and we write the next chapter with invisible ink that no one will ever see. The pages worn and tattered from a book read too much, a pencil now dull from desperation and doubt. Tomorrow, we begin the next journey of a world unexplored, the path unlit. It is a difficult journey, with roads that could lead to difficult destinations, all the while trying to find the road to resolution.

This year has been one of fear, each day wondering what will unfold, what will ensue. It is a heartbreaking feeling knowing that so much is happening, yet not knowing how to help.

I entrust the world with the care of my Brave Brandt, knowing that he will shatter their generosity with his gesture of misguided fears--knowing no other way to respond the world so overwhelming, so daunting. It is a hard feeling knowing that this little boy who holds me so tightly as to never let go, who begs for nighttime cuddles, could be so harsh and hurtful. It is scary knowing that there is danger lurking each day and not knowing when it will unleash next.

Erase. Rewind. Start over. Pretend. No end.

And, so the pages continue to write themselves in invisible ink--now visible but blurred.

Despite it all, I think of the world that surrounds him, how overwhelming it must be. A boy so frightened of the world around him that he knows no other way than to act out; a boy overwhelmed by the fears of a world caving in. How dark that must be. In solitude, his is safe and secure.

Tomorrow, the journey begins. And, so the pages turn....