Far from Reach

The brain and spine MRIs are just three days away, but they still feel so far out of reach. They were originally supposed to happen back in April, and it has been four months of nonstop delays and stress since.

My husband and I have very different viewpoints regarding the testing, so the longer the testing is drawn out and delayed, the more stress there is between the two of us. As each appointment has approached, the tension has increased. Because Brandt will have to be under anaesthesia for 3-4 hours, Darrin is very worried about a severe complication arising. I can understand his concerns, but he is being so extreme--saying Brandt might die or something. He says that it was a message from God that the MRIs have been delayed so many times. He says over and over again, night after night, that there is nothing wrong with Brandt. He says that we should just cancel the MRIs and love Brandt the way he is. He says that he is going to laugh in my face when the MRIs show nothing. And, he has pointed the finger, saying that if anything does happen to Brandt, it will all be my fault.

And, I've heard all of his concerns and thoughts. Although I think he is a little radical, I also understand him being scared. I understand him being scared, but I do not understand him wanting to just pretend that there is no problem, or to ignore the problem. And, I'm tired of listening to him try to convince me--hour after hour--to cancel the MRIs. I understand being scared, but I have no room to be scared because if he sees any sense of vulnerability, he will pounce on it. I have to be strong, and I am okay being strong because I am the only one who is going to battle for Brandt.

But then comes the big--what if? What if they do not find something? Where do I go from here? Or, do I just let things be? How will Darrin react if they don't find anything--and what will that mean for us? Or, what if they do find something? Is this going to be many, many more months of testing and waiting? And, will that waiting mean more disagreeing? It's just all a bunch of chaos right now, and I just wish that we were in this together...