Not in the Cards

Today, a few people pulled me aside and tried to explain to me that none of this was my fault. And, although I heard their words and reasoning, what they said didn't even register.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I would go into it with complete openness and honesty. And, though this is a hard thing to talk about, I hope that people will understand it is all a part of our journey...

A month ago when Brandt suddenly started to transition to sit and stand and then went right into cruising, I thought that things were really starting to look up. I thought that Brandt would be fine, and I began to let go. I told story after story of the cute things that Brandt was doing and the ways he was developing. I bragged about him and rushed home from work to spend every minute with him. I was overwhelmed with happiness and love for our little family.

Even more, Darrin and I had began to discuss the possibility of trying to have another baby. And, to be as honest as possible, we had talked about it so much so that I was already taking prenatal vitamins and changing my diet. I spent my evenings reading about 'ways to conceive a girl,' which sounded like a fun experiment and made me so giddy! Come September, we were ready to try.

Now, that idea is the farthest thing from my mind. The roller coaster of this past week has changed everything--the itch is gone. I have no desire to ever have a baby again. It wouldn't be fair of me to divide my attention from Brandt, and it wouldn't be fair for me to do this to another child. And, people can tell me all day long that this wasn't my fault, but that won't change the facts. The facts are that I lost the first baby from multiple birth defects, and now all of these things are going on with Brandt. Clearly, something is wrong with me, and I have to put the health and safety of a child above my own selfish hopes and desires.

I guess some things just aren't in the cards, and I'll have to learn to play with the cards I'm dealt.

And, while some of you reading this may think I need therapy, the only thing I believe that I need is answers.