Time to Think

Time between appointments is rough. It just gives me too much time to think and wonder and worry. I am to the point where I constantly feel like my heart is racing. I spend every free hour I have researching and reading about symtoms, conditions, and causes. I have read and re-read. I have followed link after link in search of answers to find that I really know nothing at all. I find myself obsessing over every little thing and over-analyzing anything that is out of the norm for him.

Yesterday, at school, Brandt fell asleep in the middle of lunch. Any of you who know my kid know that he never misses a meal. If you don't know Brandt, let me fill you in--he didn't obtain his 25lbs of weight at 11months by sleeping through meals. Then, last night he fell asleep in the middle of his breathing tratment, which he usually throws a fit through. So, of course, I was obsessing last night. I began to think about how much extra sleep he has been needing lately, how lethargic he has been. Then, I tie that to a symtom of both anemia and acylocarnitine. And, of course, this makes me even more alarmed.

Each day, I die a little bit more inside, I lost a little bit more spirit. As he gets older, his delays are more noticable. Just over the weekend, I was at a birthday party for one of Brandt's friends. He couldn't do what the rest of the children were doing so the mother offered him a toy walker/ push toy. I told her he couldn't do that and that he was fine. She then quickly rebounded with a ride-on toy, and my heart sank--he couldn't do that either. It's the little things that all seem to add up and hit the hardest. I know as he gets older, there will be so many other things that he will not be able to do with his peers, and it brings tears to my eyes. All I want for my son is an ordinary life.

I find myself pouring hundreds of dollars into anything and everything that will help him develop. I search specialized websites and stores. We have tons of toys to promote balance, strength, and endurance. And, because he can't move into the 1ya classroom, I even went as far as to buy the same chairs they have so that we could work with him on that.

Sleep has been hard, and I think I've been averaging about four hours on a good night--which never plays well on my emotions. I feel like I am all over the place. These days I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I feel strong enough to take on the weight of the world, while other days I just want to disappear. I feel sick to my stomach most of the time, and I am sure my bloodpressure is through the roof. Sometimes I just want to break down and ask God why? And, yet, I know that it does no good to stew over why, but rather to push forward with what? What does he have? What can I do for him? What resources are available?

It is amazing how quickly life changes. Just six months ago, I was obsessing about completing a Master's in counselor education. Now, my biggest goals are getting into the best doctors as soon as possible. I once put on my bucket list to author a novel, and now my writing is more centered around Battling for Brandt. Days stand still between appointments, and all I am left with is too much time to think.