Naturally Perfect

So, this has come up in conversation several times in recent months--so I finally decided to share it with all of you.

When Brandt was born, it was a miserable time for me. I wasn't depressed or anything like that. I was just exhausted, overtired, pained, and slightly hormonal. The first two weeks were the worst. I swore I was going to leave Darrin and never have another baby again!

Brandt had jaundice and wasn't feeding as he should. Wanting to do the best for him that I could, I chose to do the natural way with breast feeding. The doctor told me that proper feeding and light exposure to Vitamin D would help rid Brandt's body of the jaundice, but he was having so much difficulty with feeding. He would literally take over an hour to nurse. Darrin was all over me about feeding Brandt, but he just couldn't latch. But, then, when he would finally nurse, he still wasn't latched correctly, and it just left me sore and cracking. We gave him indirect sunlight several times a day, but his jaundice levels were still not dropping as they should. With increased pressure from Darrin about more feeding, I finally decided to stop nursing.

Immediately, I jumped to the next best alternative--I pumped my milk. This ensured that Brandt was taking in plenty of milk to clear his jaundice, which it quickly did, and he was still able to get the immune support and natural vitamins that only mommy's milk could provide. Still, with already being cracked and bleeding from Brandt's poor nursing, this did little to help me. I mean, I was able to heal because I didn't have to worry about improper latching, but every day of pumping during the healing process was pure hell. Every minute of pumping felt like absolute torture, and I thought about stopping every time I had to pump.

Still, I continued to pump around the clock. Unfortunately, around the clock meant that every time that Brandt took in a bottle of pumped milk, I would pump again. So, 30 minutes to feed my lazy eater with a hearty appetite, 15 minutes of rocking him back to sleep, followed by another 30 minutes to pump and store the next bottle of milk. It was exhausting and miserable, and with only an hour and a half (maybe) of sleep in-between, it was a very defeating process.

All my friends told me to nap when he would nap, but there was never the opportunity. Brandt was colicky, so he would literally only sleep in my arms. When I'd lay him down, he'd be up 10 minutes later, and I refused to sleep with him because of all the risks. After three months of utter hell, I had accumulated a stockpile of milk in the freezer. It was finally time to go back to work, so I stopped pumping. Oh, what a relief it was. Finally, a little more time to sleep!

But, time saved from pumping milk was soon spent making homemade baby food. Again, I wanted Brandt to have the best, most natural food. I wanted him to get plenty of nutrients and a large variety of foods.

And, despite all of my best efforts, Brandt still had delays. I always felt like nothing that I did was good enough, or right. I couldn't breastfeed properly, and I naturally felt like I was doing something wrong. Brandt was colicky until almost a year, and I felt like I wasn't meeting his needs. Even after a year, he was still a crankster. Brandt wasn't meeting milestones on track, and I thought I wasn't doing enough with him. Through it all, I was always looking at what 'I' was doing wrong instead of identifying that something else could be wrong.

But, since that crazy time has passed, I have learned that maybe it wasn't all my fault. We found out a couple months back that Brandt has a short lingual frenulum(tongue tie), which the speech therapist told me would have caused poor feeding. Other parents I know with special needs children told me that they had the same difficulty, and that gives me some relief. But, also, today another friend told me how proud she was of me for keeping up with all of the pumping through the sleeplessness and pain so Brandt could have mommy's milk for the first six months--which made me feel even better because I never really saw "not breast feeding" as an 'option.'

Of course, the colic was reflux, and Brandt took Zantac from four months on for that. And, then, more recently we found out that he also had a hernia that was also probably causing him some discomfort. So, maybe the colic wasn't colic so much as it was the doctor not listening to me and looking further into the issue.

And, maybe I did do everything for Brandt that I could. Maybe, he has some sort of delay that is going to require extra push and isn't so easy for him to naturally meet milestones.

Anyway, what I am getting at (or, was getting at in my conversation with friends) is that I probably made things way more complicated than they needed to be. When Brandt wasn't latching, I could have just pumped a few bottles during the day and supplement with formula, or just switched to formula all together. I didn't have to go to such excessive lengths with the homemade food--I could have just bought Earth's Best or Gerber and used that extra time for resting.

I spent three months trying to teach Brandt to bang two blocks together, and one day he picked it up out of nowhere. And, we have spent the past ten months trying to get him to stack to two blocks, and he still won't do that. So, for what, am I going to these lengths? Maybe I just need to learn to help and coax, but not drive myself crazy with all the little details. Sometimes, I just need to focus on the big picture and make the most out of every minute.

So, that is my advise to every new mother: Natural does not mean perfect and everything is not going to come naturally perfect. Enjoy what is for all that it is.