Today has been an exhausting and draining day. Words can only begin to describe my day, but words cannot hit the deep depths of numbness I am feeling.
This morning while I was busy reading and teaching, I missed a very important phone call--Brandt's daycare. Because my phone is always on silent at work, they called Darrin. Darrin texted me "Brandt got hurt. Going to ER." Reading these terrifying words immediately sent my heart racing and my head spinning. I immediately tried to call him back but no answer. Panic swept over me. Not knowing what to do or what had happened, I then called the director of Brandt's daycare, who informed me that Brandt was trying to walk and fell back in a shelf and bumped his head. She said he had some swelling and a bruise on the back of his head and neck, and she had advised Darrin to have him looked at.
Other colleagues offer to take my class, but with Darrin not answering there was nothing I could do. I did not know what hospital he was at, or the severity of what was going on. And, I was in shock and unsure of how to react, or if there was a reaction warranted.
All I knew was that one of my biggest fears was realized--I always fear Brandt getting hurt at school. At home, I am constantly next to him. I know he is bold, and he often tries to do more than he is able, so I stay within close proximity and block off potential hazards. And, not meaning to offend anyone, I really do not trust anyone with Brandt--mommy knows and takes car of him best.
As I had a scheduled meeting with the "big dogs" to attend right after I got off the phone with the daycare, an hour had past before I heard from Darrin. Finally Darrin called me back with an update. He reported a minor contusion to the back of the head, but said Brandt should be okay-- just needed to watch him extra closely. The nurse iced Brandt's head and sent him on his way. Disaster averted, this time.
But my day did not end there, oh no...
The one thing that scares me the most with Brandt (other than him getting seriously injured at school) is the uncertainty of the future. I often wonder if Brandt will just eventually catch up, or if he'll always be about 6 months behind his peers. Or, will the gap continue to widen? Will he need continued services once he's in school, and if he does, will those services be available to him? It is a dark road of uncertainty ahead, so I try to not look too far ahead. Still, there are times when I can't help but wonder.
There are times when family, friends, and associates with special needs children--who are much older than Brandt--go through the day to day struggles. And, when I see their struggles, I feel their struggles. I see the road they are traveking down, and I see our pathway ahead. Their heart aches for their child, and my heart aches. They cry out of fear, and I cry alongside them. And, somewhere in the midst of emotions, we feel it all together and try to help each other through.
And, with all that was going on in my personal life today, today was just not the day for me to feel for others. Not emotionally. My already-aching heart was so full of personal angst that I was too vulnerable. and, yet, life is not about a perfectly planned emotional pitfall. So, as I sat alongside a crying mother discussing her fears for her child, I found tears slowly slipping away, too. It was a whirlwind of indescribable emotions and feelings. I felt for her and her son, me and my son, and all parents going through the process. I wanted to jump up and hug her; I wanted to run away and cry. I wanted to tell her the untold secrets and answers, but there are no answers--or, of there are, I am still looking for them myself.
And, so, internal strength took over. My emotionless body let the puppet strings lead the way and somehow God helped me to finish the day with a smile on my face. But, now that the day is all said and done, I retire back to the emotionless state that started my day. I hang my head and say a prayer for a long night of good rest.
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