Scary Secrets

Bloggers, forgive me for in advance, but this blog is going to be vague. You must be wondering why I would post an entry so vague after my many tell-all posts...truth be told, this blog is more than just a way of sharing with others, but it is also a way for me to express my feelings and unleash my deepest frustrations. Blogging helps to cope and sort through my feelings, and, so, this blog will be just that.

Let me preface with this. Brandt has been sick with the flu for a week, and since I am going on little sleep, I am getting overly analytical and emotional.

This morning, I was sitting on the couch after I put Brandt down for a nap, and all of the sudden this idea pops into my head--a congenital problem noticed at birth. And, the obsessing began...

When Brandt was born and examined, a congenital abnormality was indicated. We were told it was no big deal, and it should correct itself within the first six months of birth. We didn't think anything of it, because is was a common occurrence in babies. And, to be honest, we never really took notice of it. Months pressed on, and we sort of forgot about it.

Then, light was brought back to the matter when we went to the pediatrician for a pre-op physical and health history report. I briefly mentioned it in a past blog but I wasn't comfortable with sharing the intimate details--just a brief reference that "other problems" were indicated. On the report, the doctor had notated this abnormality, without even mentioning it to us during the examination. I didn't even know what it meant--if it was a problem or just a fact--so I mentioned it a couple weeks later when Brandt was back at the pediatrician. The doctor indicated that they like to give the problem time to self-resolve, as it would in most cases. He was so matter-of-a-fact and casual about it that I was not alarmed at all. He stated that if the problem didn't correct by 18 months, it might need to be surgically corrected--but he was confident that would not be the case. He shrugged it off and moved on, and so did we. Once again, we blew it off and forgot about it.

It has been about four months since we spoke to the pediatrician in those regards, so I am not exactly sure why this incredible fear just overtook my body. All of the sudden, I found myself freaking out. Panicking. Heart racing. One hand on my forehead and the other on my keyboard, I combed through page after page, reviewing articles from some of the top children's hospitals in the country. The word was the same--This problem must be corrected by age two or there will be long term effects. Long term effects--he is only 17 months and I have to worry about 20-30 years down the road.

I absolutely cannot believe that I forgot to monitor this issue. How could I forgot to monitor something so important--something that could carry lifetime effects? How could I have been that consumed with all the developmental deficits that I neglected his physical health concerns? Am I that out of touch with reality and my role as a mother? It is shameful.

And it is all just a bit too overwhelming for me. I'm already 10 steps ahead of where I should be. I'm thinking about what if he does have to have surgery? I don't know that I have the strength to see another specialist and do another surgery, and all the appointments that go with it. And how invasive would the procedure be, and what is the recovery like? Would I need to take time off work--my thoughts are just all over the place. And I'm thinking I'm just too drained, exhausted, damaged to go down another dark road. I'm running low on gas--I just can't go down anymore winding roads. I'm too broken for all of this. I'm already overwhelmed, and my fears haven't even been confirmed yet. It's all just too much for me.

And, then, as I continue to comb through the webpages, I wonder, does this somehow tie to everything else? Is this an important detail that I too quickly dismissed and neglected to tell all of his doctors? It this the missing piece that would give way to the picture?

And, once again, I am getting too far ahead of myself. Definitely need to rest and regroup. But, just for the record, he has a well-baby appointment at the end of the month so this problem will have to be addressed head-on then. I just hope I can hold it all together until then.