And, just like that, it happened...
I have been preparing myself for it for weeks, telling myself that I already know the answer in my heart. And, if I am being honest with myself, I have really known this all along.
And, just like that, it happened, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Reflecting back, there was a time when Brandt didn't go a week without a doctor's appointment, a month without a blood draw. We were relentless advocates, warriors braving a battle for Brandt, on a conquest to find answers. Test after test, we forged ahead, knowing that there was something there. From seeing a variety of specialist--geneticist, neurologist, neuro-opthamologist, cardiologist, otolaryngologist, pulminologist--we searched through every specialty we knew, going to Miami Children's Hospital to see the best doctors. With each specialist came a battery of tests--genetic testing, neurological screenings, MRIs, an EKG, an aechocardiogram, hearing tests and tubes. We did bi-weekly physical therapy and bi-monthly speech therapy. We did medications, and we did surgery.
It was a hopeless battle that we fought, and it was one that I fought alone. I fought the battle despite the resistance from my husband. With each testing, each general anesthesia sedation, came another fight. I was fighting for Brandt, and Darrin was fighting against me. The battle was draining, and so I got to a point where I dropped the battle and pushed forward with loving Brandt for all that he was and all that he would be. I became an advocate in ensuring he had all possible resources to be successful.
And so we moved forward, we continued therapy and prescribed medications, but we left the specialists behind...we gave it to God and let go.
And, just like that, it happened...
School happened. Brandt entered an environment with a need for interdependence, constant stimulation, larger groups of students, and high expectations for academic achivement. For most children, it is the perfect combination to promote successes. Yet, it was not for Brandt. School meant new challenges, new battles to brave, and a stronger divide in the home front. And, yet, we pushed forward and we made all necessary accommodations and provided the best environment to fit his individual needs... yet, it wasn't enough.
And, because of that, it happened...
I moved forward with one last attempt to battle for Brandt. I sent myself on a conquest, knowing that I am my son's best and only advocate. I pushed forward with picking up the distant pierces of battles once braved... I pushed for more testing, consulted the pediatrician, and returned to the once-abandoned neurologist.
And, with that, it happened...
The things that I had been telling myself for years were all confirmed. Only, I did not feel vindicated or relieved, I didn't feel a sense of closure with the beginning of answers. No matter how well prepared I was, no matter the willingness to face the truth, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
And, just like that, it happened...
We returned to a once abandoned avenue for answers. The neurologist visit lasted an hour and a half. We went through questionnaires, observations of interactions, physical endurance testing, and overall physical health. Amidst that, Brandt was in one of his moods, which made the answers that much harder to hear. The answers came with more battles--a need for intensive therapy, additional MRIs, and an EEG. There was talk to tendencies and talk of seizures... there was talk of the cerebellum and talk of muscle tone...talk of ABA therapy and talk of missed opportunities.... and all the talk led to one final conclusion.
And, just like that, it was confirmed...
Years of battling and trying to understand has come down to a diagnosis. I am not sure that I am ready to share much, or to talk about it. The diagnosis is not a death sentence, but rather a compass to provide greater direction for a clearer path to travel. And so I have to trust the path that God has laid in front of us, knowing that this battle belongs to the Lord.
And, just like that, he was diagnosed--
A.S.D, High functioning, Severe Autism
So, today I have to return my mindset; I have to give it to God, trust, and believe. I have to trust and not get stuck in the reflection and personal blame of not finishing what I once began. Today, the battle belongs to the Lord.
And, just like that, a new battle begins.
